And no, I’m not talking about that kind….
We all have something that makes us walk through fire. Be it kids, family, jobs, ministries, homes…. life. If you follow Jesus, you know you deal with this thing called your flesh. This force that constantly pulls at our hearts and minds, dragging us through the dredges of our own will. The flesh is vehemently opposed to the work of God in us, and as Paul says “wages war” within. For those of us attempting to walk with Christ, the flesh can be one of our biggest obstacles. I think this is why Paul also says “I do the things I don’t want…” and vice-versa. I know with my head (and even my heart) that God calls me down this path over here. But my flesh is taking me down that path over there.
Walking with Jesus, being a “Christian” is not about winning the battle every day (or more accurately, every moment). It’s about allowing God to battle for you (me) and put you (me) into His Refining Fire where He purifies your (my) heart as silver. All the flesh (the pride, selfishness, my-own-will, covetousness, greed…..insert endless list here) gets boiled to the top just like dross and God can then whisk it away. I don’t even know about all the dross in my heart until I get dropped into that fire, but then it’s pretty appalling. I hate the fire- the pain, the heartache, the constant voices, battling it out in my head. The overwhelming constant discomfort gets pretty old, pretty quick. But I love the result! A heart that’s content within our circumstances, be they dire or lovely. A heart at peace, a soul at rest. A soul that can speak to the words “God is Faithful.” A heart assured of His love. No longer a chorus of anxious voices echoing through my soul. After the fire, I can experience “Be still and KNOW.”
and because I’m 80% crazy (according to facebook, thankyouverymuch) I made a plaque to commemorate our own fire.
Take courage, my heart
Do you ever wonder if there’s more? More meaning, more purpose to your life? I do. All. The. Time.
Despite raising four children, practicing nursing and ministering to a church, there’s this nagging sense of more. That someday, somewhere, there is a greater cause, something else….
I would have despaired unless I had believed I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord, be strong and let your heart take courage. Yes, wait for the Lord.
Faith, courage, is living today as though that “something else” is real. That God works here a little, there a little. Line upon line, precept upon precept. That as I continue to walk, slowly but surely making progress towards the cross, He will bring about the deep desires of my heart. He will answer my heart’s cry. Though “deep calls to deep” and it feels at this moment there’s no reply, God in His infinite love and grace will one day bring about this something. I’ve written about this verse before because it seems to be an anchor for me during this season. A plumb line, if you will, that holds me steady. And such a reminder that though we may not see the entire picture of goodness, we are living in the goodness of the Lord. His promises are both now and not yet. Though I desire more, there is so much to be had right now.
Waiting for the Lord is more an accumulation than an instantaneous combustion of awesomeness. I admire so many lives that are doing the “more”- overseas, justice missions, speaking, establishing new works. And yet what we see is those lives are experiencing the accumulation of years and years of courage. Living as though someday, they would see the goodness of the Lord in fruition.
So take courage, oh heart. Continue to walk, to build line upon line, here a little, there a little. There will be a day when you, too, will see the goodness of the Lord, the answers to the deeper things. The more. Take courage.
The tough get going. In God.
Then there’s the valley of the shadow of death. When you’ve done all the right things. You’ve planted good seeds. You’ve walked in obedience. And yet, nothing. No harvest. Yet. There is the promise of more, of plenty, of victory. But no tangible evidence. Yet.
In fact, the evidence may be quite to the contrary. We are living this right now. After a banner year for Easter- turn out in the hundreds, people who had never been to church, never heard the gospel. Over 60 salvations (Yay!). But the worst month ever in terms of finance. Like taking pay cuts, laying off staff and batting down the hatches bad. Say what? My first reaction (much to my shame) was “GOD!!!? What are You doing?!? Can’t You see what’s happening? Where’s Your provision?????” And yes, it’s completely normal. It may not be exemplary, but it is most certainly normal.
So I prayed. And fasted. Then prayed some more. I laid out all my plans, all my ideas for how to get more. (Work full time, pick up extra shifts….lick boots) I thought how our whole paradigm must change. That I should abandon ministry for a year, work full time, put the kids into school, recover our finances and then get back to Kingdom living. Or my husband should leave ministry and we will both work. We’ve given “enough” already! (I know, I’m surprised the lightning didn’t strike, too). After I eased down from DEFCON 1, I was able to admit that those solutions weren’t how God does things. They are definitely how people do things. But not God. They just don’t sit right with my soul. So I spent a day fasting, simply asking for clarity. I know it’s not a “faith” thing. Because, as my dear, dear friend says “only people with tons of faith ever wonder if they’re losing it.”
Here’s the answer from that day: the world says “that’s enough. don’t give any more. get your income up. get more. it’s up to you.” But God says “Let me. I’ll provide. See what I can do.” Faith is believing that God can get me to better places than I can get myself. It’s also not dependent on circumstance. I want to live in such a way that waits for the Lord to do His thing. I want to be on the other side, pointing back and saying “ONLY GOD could do this!”
The scripture God brought to my mind is 2 Chronicles 20- wherein Jehoshaphat and the armies of Israel are facing a huge opponent. They have no chance of winning. They all prayed and fasted and cried out to the Lord to save them. God’s answer: “You will not need to fight in this battle. Stand firm, hold your position, and see the salvation of the Lord on your behalf, O Judah and Jerusalem.” The story continues that they went out the next morning and the enemy miraculously defeated themselves. Judah never fought. But the spoils and riches from the enemy were so vast, Judah spent 3 days collecting it. “When Jehoshaphat and his people came to take their spoil, they found among them, in great numbers, goods, clothing, and precious things, which they took for themselves until they could carry no more. They were three days in taking the spoil, it was so much.”
THEY COULD CARRY NO MORE. In a good way. Not only did they not have to fight, but they came out ahead! They were overwhelmed with blessing. They ended this battle richer than they started. That, my friends, is a miracle!
I don’t know when the answer (in this case, money) will come through. But I DO know that I desire, more than anything, to live in such a way that gives God the opportunity to do what only He can do. I want to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. I want Him to fight this battle. Whatever is holding finances from us, God can defeat it. He sees the spiritual reality. Where I see lack, He sees the story. Where I see poverty, He sees victory. If I work and work and work to try and make up the difference myself, I may miss the chance to see God’s provision. I may miss my chance to reap the spoils, MORE THAN I CAN CARRY.
So this time is tough. It’s testing my resolve. Testing whether I will live with a Kingdom-focus or a mammon-focus. But when the going gets tough….
*****disclaimer: I’m in no way advocating the quitting of jobs or that working isn’t full time ministry. This is simply our current conviction- to move into more ministry and have me work outside the home less.
Waiting. Just waiting.
“Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him.” Ps 37:7
This is the hard part. When all is done, there’s nothing left to do but wait. Have you ever had a moment, or perhaps a season wherein you’re waiting? All the other ducks are gathered (mine are never in rows- but gathered I can manage). I’ve obeyed God’s directive. I’ve lined up my life to be as close as I can possibly get to Kingdom living. I did the last thing God asked me to do.
But prayers have still gone unanswered. Deadlines have yet to be met. How can I describe it….? It feels like that moment in the movies when the hero has set the boobie traps, barricaded the door and hunkered down behind a barrel. And now he just waits. There’s nothing more for him to do.
This season feels that way. We’ve toiled, asked, and pretty much covered the bases. I mean, you can’t be 100% on the mark, but we’ve dug a ditch everywhere we thought God was asking us to- and many places “just in case.” But now the great hush. The moment of truth. When all is said and done, we wait.
We wait for provision. We wait for deliverance.
This is not pie-in-the-sky time. This is real. God has REAL promises. REAL provision. REAL hope. REAL difference.
We’ve planted, watered and weeded. Now we wait. He will act.
Measured. Abundantly.
“The measure with which you measure will be measured back to you.”
Say that 10 times fast.
The great experiment: Kingdom Living. Living upside down and backwards from what the ‘world’ thinks.
This week, attempting to live this one- measuring abundantly.
Not. Easy.
But think of this- If I give of my time, money, love with abandon, God promises to mark my life by the same.
My life is too often marked by judgement, criticism, rebellion, miser-dom.
So that’s what I’m giving out?
This week, may my measure be abundant.
May I measure out love, grace, acceptance, peace, joy and generosity without pause.
Just Wait.
I would have despaired unless I had BELIEVED that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD. Be strong, and let your heart take courage, yes, wait for the LORD.
Psalm 27:13-14
There are innumerable promises of God in scripture. And all of them good. Unbeliveable, really. I read them and think, “No way. There’s no way.” Amazingly- God fulfills them, and has fulfilled them, for His people for thousands of years. Like most things, though, there is a caveat. It’s not really a carte-blanche sort of blessing that most of us would prefer. What I see is that when I live according to God’s ways- Kingdom ways, there is immeasurable blessing heaped upon my life.
And let’s agree- that’s a huge caveat, shall we? This is terribly general, but the promises of God are usually “if, then” statements. If you obey my Word, then I will bless you. And the blessings are wonderful: green pastures, still waters, restoration, redemption, renewal, deliverance, prosperity.
I’m not going to list them specifically here, but if you need them, leave a comment. Or better yet, grab a Bible and start in Psalm 1.
Now back to the show…. The Kingdom and living in God’s promise, His blessing, isn’t a game of dice. It’s also not magic- there are no incantations we can say to make Him do something we want. The Kingdom is upside-down and backwards. Completely opposite from what I would naturally think and want.
Gideon. The Original Pansy.
There’s something about Gideon that resonates with my soul. His whole story, every response he makes to God…it’s totally me. Seriously, how sad is that? I identify strongly with the original Pansy of Israel. (I said that from the pulpit once, it was awesome). His story can be found in Judges, beginning in Chapter 6. He gets called out as a “Mighty Man” without having proven being worthy of the title. And the Lord says go defeat your oppressors, Gideon, I’ll be with you. But Gideon hasn’t ever DONE anything. Amazing. But more amazing is our friend’s response. “Um, I don’t think so. Prove that you’re God, then maybe I’ll go.” Excuse me? An angel appears to you out of the wild blue yonder and you say “um?” And not just once. Three Times. “If it’s really You, prove it.” And this is the guy who ends up as the hero of Israel. He didn’t have a penny to his name, nothing to recommend him, and yet he’s the one chosen to do AMAZING stuff. Like defeat an army of thousands with a mere 300 guys. Seriously. Amazing.
As embarrassing as it sounds, this is me. God proves Himself to me. Over and over. Countless times. And yet, here we are, at this point in our ministry and home life where if He doesn’t come through, we are toast. Again. We have been in full-time, senior leadership for 7 years now. SEVEN YEARS. And during that time, we have had our fair share of valleys. Many dark days, days full of questions, fears and lack. Yet we never starve, we never lose our home or cars. We have had immeasurable blessings- from clothing to Disneyland passes!
But as a recovering shopaholic- yup, you read that right- I’m in a constant battle for my loyalties. My soul experiences a “tightening grip” when we are in situations where our material possessions are threatened. Jesus calls this mammon. “You can either serve God or mammon.” We will either serve mammon or God, but not both! Because at the end of the day, my thoughts, decisions and actions are driven by love for my God and Kingdom, or they are governed by my “need” to get. Get more money, more stuff, more security. There are legitimate desires, but when my day is consumed by the thought of all the things I need to buy, or driving around town trying to find the best way to get all the things I “need”, I’d say that’s serving mammon. As loathe as I am to admit it.
And that’s where we are today. I’m much much much recovered from the tyranny of mammon. I don’t spend my days making lists of needs, wants and dreams. But I still battle. I fight the urge to serve mammon. To just work extra when our budget is too close for comfort. Instead of waiting for God to give us extra, I’ll get it myself.
But God has called me- called me to greater things. His promise in Joel 2 was given to us personally years ago “You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied.” And I’ve been trying to make it happen ever since. *Sigh* Only a crazy person would take a promise from the Lord of Hosts and see if they can “make” it happen.
Today, I told God “if this is really You, You’d better do something big!” ha. Seriously, Gideon’s got nothin’ on me. My God who, six months ago, gave my WHOLE FAMILY DISNEYLAND PASSES. FOR FREE. OUT OF THE BLUE. Yup, I’m standing here saying “You better…”
Gideon is someone to whom I aspire.
I haven’t done anything yet. I haven’t accomplished paying my debt. I’m not a motivational speaker of great acclaim. I’m not a giant of faith. I’m a broken down, beat up, trying-really-hard-to-want-to-have-faith girl. I really desire to trust God. I tell Him all the time “I want to believe Your promise! I want to rest assured.” But I’m not there. Yet.
But I’m called to more. Just like Gideon, God has a purpose for my life that I cannot see. He will use me in ways I cannot imagine. In months, maybe years, I will look back and say “Ha! I can’t believe I ever doubted!”
But for now, I know I’m in good company.
Dreams. And God.
the faces of blessing
A while back, I posted this picture of the girls and I at Disneyland. The hash tag was “God makes dreams come true.” Now, if I heard anyone else say that, I’d be thinking “eeew (ala Jimmy Fallon), that’s so superficial. Ugh….” Insert hair toss here.
Then the thought started brewing: I really should share the story of WHY I say that. What happened that made our dreams come true? I hope and pray it brings you encouragement, wherever you are along your journey.
We are a pastor’s family, living on a skin-tight, spandex and spanx kind of budget. I’m an RN to make ends meet, but not full time, as my time is primarily focused on Kingdom pursuits- which happens to include 4 little noodles 5 and under. We took the oldest two to Disneyland once for Christmas two years ago. It was magical. All those “little” dreams you have as a parent- watch their eyes sparkle, see them experience wonder- it all happened. It’s one of my all time favorite days.
And then there were six. And Disneyland had become a dream. After calculating entrance fees and reasonable food (supplemented by PBJ) we were looking at a $600 day. And that just wasn’t there.
During these two years, I was on an intense journey- through the valley of entitlement, worthiness, trust… and finally coming out on the other side. (Well, maybe. I’m like 51%, plus a little bit, sure that I’m nearing the other side. Like I can see the edge of a leaf on the top of a tree at the border of the other side….)
Commercial! Entitlement and worthiness are actually in cahoots- they are different sides of the same coin. Entitlement says, “I’ve worked so hard, been so faithful, done everything you’ve asked, so I deserve. I’ve earned…..” But in the same breath, worthiness (or lack thereof) thinks “But I’ve fallen short here, here and here. There’s no way God would want to bless me.”
True story, people, I have felt (and battle feeling) as though God would never actually want to bless me. Nope. He will bless everyone else, fulfill promises and provide abundance for everyone exceptme. So, I would just position myself close to people I thought He would bless, hoping to get in the splash zone. Never believing any of it would be for me. In fact, I tried to bless myself, most of the time. Maneuver and manipulate circumstances to see how much I could get out of it, which created tons of fatigue and anxiety. And didn’t leave any room for God to bless me- I was too busy filling the void for myself
If you’ve known God for any length of time, you know that He LOVES US. Like LOVES us. So my feelings did not line up with truth at all. They were real. They just weren’t true.
There I was battling, winning, losing and battling. And healing. I put aside maneuvering and scheming and gave up our Disneyland dream. Just set it down, told God He’d have to take care of it for me.
Then, flash-forward to November 2013. We had received a lovely, generous gift from our congregation. And we decided FINALLY- we are going to Disneyland! I had my ridiculously huge wad of cash in my hands, ready to pay. And the lady we were with said, “Well now wait a minute. Why don’t I just buy you passes? It just makes more sense that way. Put your money away and I’ll get passes for all of you”
Cue Mouth Drop to Floor. Cue Speechless.
It’s mostly a blur, but I think it went something like this:
Me: are you sure??? Cause I have the money right here. We were planning on this.
Her: Oh yes, put that away. Treat me to dinner or something. But I think getting passes for you all will be the best possible option.
Me: *conked out on the ground*
NOT- but almost.
So THAT, my friends, is why God makes our dreams come true. When I choose His ways, though they tear at my flesh and cause me to battle my own sin, He does what NO ONE ELSE can do. He answers our dreams just like a loving Father, who only wants to watch His Kids skip through Disneyland with wonder on their faces.
An Experiment in Kingdom Living 